If I were brave?

Sometimes I just don't know how anything works any more.

One thing I try to do in my life is clarify what it is that I want, how it is that I want to be. I find this helps me in responding to the situations I find myself in, in responding to the people I meet, in becoming aware of the opportunities that present themselves. That's the theory. It's always a little more difficult in practice. Sometimes I want something more than I want to listen to what's going on. The 'what' becomes more important than the 'how', again.

I've been around the block a few times, and I've had my heart broken a few times, and I've learned that there's no point walking into another person's life with a vulnerable heart and an offering of love and loving unless the other person is ready and willing to notice the vulnerable heart, treat it with gentleness, accept the offer of love and loving, and walk forward in an offering of the same.

Sometimes people make crystal clear that you don't make as much of a difference to them as you'd like to think you do; not through what they say but through what they don't say; not through what they do but through what they don't do. That can cause problems if my enthusiastic expectation of a richer, deeper relationship distracts me from noticing that they aren't really noticing me, or that they have pulled away, or that they are dealing with stuff that they need to deal with and that I need to let them deal with.

I'll leave the rest to Shawn Colvin ... "If I were brave":

Could it be that I was born without a clue to carry on
and still it is the same now I am older
armed with just a will and then this love for singing songs
and minding less and less if I am colder?

...

It was never clear what would come next
But that's the risk and that's the test
And you were the only one so far to follow
And no-one talks about when one might stop and need to rest
Or how long you sit alone before you stop looking back
It's like you're waiting for Godot
and then you pick your sorry ass up off the street
and go

And what the hell is this?
Who made this bloody mess?
And someone always answers like a martyr
Is it something you should know?
Did you never do your best?
Would you be saved if you were brave and just tried harder?